I've been hired to write the next Bond movie!* How mad is that?
Obviously I'll only be one of several writers on the project (provisionally entitled Bond 23), but the cool thing is I get to have first go at it. The producers gave me only one instruction: make it the best Bond film ever.
I got down to work, researching the elements that are absolutely necessary in any Bond film worthy of the name. Here's the list of things my script must contain:
1) At least two chase sequences - one on foot over lots of obstacles, and one in some kind of vehicle or at the very least on skis. More chase sequences are permissible/desirable, but there must be at least two.
2) A scene -- or several -- in which M is very annoyed at Bond.
3) A pretty girl who sleeps with Bond and is later killed.
4) A prettier girl who is feisty and kickass but requires rescuing a few times.
5) At least three different countries, one or more of them third-worldy.
6) A location/event in which Bond can show how comfortable he is mingling with high society.
7) A very rich bad guy with a private army. The bad guy has an evil scheme that is a bit incomprehensible when you first see the film, but seems to make enough sense to explain why various fights and explosions keep happening. However, on later reflection or a second viewing, the scheme proves to be full of holes and you wonder why anyone ever thought it was good.
8) A bit where Daniel Craig isn't wearing anything on his top half.
9) Lots and lots of fighting.
10) A plot that can only move forward thanks to the sophisticated capabilities of a brand new mobile phone.
I'm not convinced this last point is vital, but the producers were very insistent that it made the list.
There are a few other things I'd personally like to see in the next James Bond movie, so I'll be working those in amongst the items listed above. But I'll save that for the next post...
*This is a lie